Finding Hope in a Shit Year

Hi friends. Here I am, ready to type a bit. I haven’t written in almost a year. Mothers Day actually, and here it is sneaking up on us.

Ask me why

I have no real answer. I could say it’s because I am busy crushing it in real life and have no time. I could say I’ve been taking care of my family making [failing] meals and wiping butts. I could say I traveled a bunch and between packing and laundry and navigating bullshit maps and airports there was no good time to sit and reflect.

The truth is that I have lacked inspiring thoughts and words. I’ve had one of [no, the most] challenging years in all my 28. Change and transition is the common theme here.

Hope is what got me through.

I started counseling around this time last year, and vocalized the anxiety and fears of my house burning down. I was so scared to live in that house. We moved up and into a new home.

The foundation is not sinking, the fridge is in the kitchen, and I’m almost positive none of our neighbors cook meth. We have a driveway to draw chalk on and space to find peace in.

This house was an upgrade when we moved there. By the time we left we had completely outgrown the space. It did have the best covered porch on the block though. There were also a family of raccoons living in the chimney that K used to climb up there and feed them hotdogs so they didn’t die. I’m serious.

I spent the beginning of last summer wrapped up in packing, unpacking, purging and many trips to the pool. I planned some birthday parties for my little guys that included a homeade fiesta complete with baby sombreros. For my 3 year old we went all out Paw Patrol with all the Pinterest projects I could cram in and a giant bounce house. I learned how to “host” and plan and prepare and clean really good. Finally.

We. Been. Livin.

My middle one started preschool. He had a ‘gilfriend’ on like the 3rd day. He loves it, Kanye sends his kids to Montessori so we do too. It cost a lot of dollars but this kid is gonna move mountains. D Money is crushing 2nd grade, reading everything and likes to spell out bad words as if I don’t know what he’s saying.

Sepetember rolled around and and we took a big ol’ family vacation to OBX. We loaded up the Tahoe for the 13 hour trek. We had an amazing GIANT beachfront home that had a sweet pool and about 20 people in it. We were evacuated on our 2nd day there due to Hurricane Dorian. A very sad and confusing decision had to be made.

We buried him so big- both of his legs are in one of those monster sand legs, it was so sweet.

We packed our shit up and headed for Virginia Beach where we had a fiasco of tropical storms and flooded hotel room and more packing and unpacking. My 3 boys had a few great beach days.

After all was said and done- #fuckdorian and I am very good at shoving shit in suitcases.

October rolled in fierce and mighty with confusion and stress. A recommitment to love and service. We watched the Browns play every week and kept cheering on the shit show. Georgie swallowed a penny and had to have surgery to get it out. In November I turned 28 and once again questioned my life and everything about it.

Why must I always question my badassness?

Thats a dang penny that they had to go get.

December brought us Santa, a painful kidney stone and Disney World. I had my first surgery and we geared up for our big surprise gift to the kids, a trip to Disney World for New Years.

I forgot to buy matching Mickey shirts 🙁

I had surgery 3 days before boarding the plane to our well panned trip to the sunshine state. I’m not a “Disney person” I don’t watch the movies as an adult and could only tell you if I was a Disney princess it would be Snow White because I am always followed around by a few funny boys.

That trip was amazing in almost every single way. K worked so hard to make it every bit special and do all the extra cool stuff. My brother in law planned our fast passes and made maps of parks where our reservations were so we wouldn’t get lost. Of course we still got lost, and spent way more money than we had planned. But we definitely needed to get those bubble glow wands for $30 a pop.

Winnie da Pooh Bear gives real good hugs.

I didn’t think I’d say it, but I want to go back.

It was not at all relaxing or rejuvenating. I was quite exhausted and that freaking stent made me feel like I was about to piss myself every 4 minutes. My kids had so many meltdowns and so much fun, and I think thats what family vacation for most of us is like.

January sucked harder than any January ever before for me. Without rehashing it, I stepped the fuck up and did what I had to do. I had more HOPE than I ever had before. I discovered what self care means to me. I reached out to the tribe of friends and family that built me up. I believed in myself harder than ever, and recommitted to love and service.

I wanna be a yogi

February I discovered yoga. A mom friend was in a similar head space and we wanted to do something for US, and we decided we would try it. I love it. I recommend anyone struggling finding comfort and peace in their own head to try it. It was weird at first, I would giggle and try to picture myself laying on a cloud listening for Agape. I experienced true rest of the mind and real connection of body to spirit. Now I hooked, and I am stronger and feel more capable because of it. And my yoga pants actually go to yoga where they can be happy.

By the middle of March life has hit us upside the head again. Covid19 and homeschool and laid off of work and 3 kids home all day and snacksandsnacksandsnacks. I was terrified when this thing started, anxiety filled me again with fear of disease for my loved ones. I already had that sweet comfort of bulk toilet paper and lysol wipes because I am obsessed with Costco. My kids liked to make toilet paper rollercoasters down the steps so I was just always staying stocked up on that good good.

Doing the damn thang

It is now April and we’re still going. I feel incompetent a lot of times, I can only do so much to entertain them, all while cleaning the house and trying to explain math concepts I don’t understand to my second grader. A couple months ago I bought a bunch of plants that bring me a lot of comfort and remind me to breathe.

We have made an effort to go play at grandparents yards and spread joy. I take them on drives around my old neighborhood to show them the hill I used to ride down on my bike.

Look ma, no hands.

Dance parties are fun with my little dudes, they like to get funky. I have kept Uncrustables in business and we have had more juice boxes emptied on my couch more times than I can count. My kids no longer wear pants, and if I say put pants on they know we’re headed outside.

chalking grandma and grandpas porch
Talking through the screen door chalking the porch.

The lack of routine and structure these days is hard for us. I try to enjoy the small moments, and be grateful that we have had some time to slow down. We’re feeling the struggle and I know we’re all out here doing the best we can. I’m here for the memes man, and I’m convinced Carol Baskin killed her fucking husband.

wearing a mask
Future said MASK OFF but we ain’t ready for that.

Life is changing and I really miss Home Goods. I miss hanging out with my parents and hearing the Mexican word of the day. I miss picking my kid up from school and him telling me what he played with and that he ate all his peanutbutterjelly. I miss date nights and eating really good food that I didn’t cook.

Like they say, life ain’t always steaks and blowjobs.

So that’s my year. Maybe I’ll write some more soon. Sometimes I have alot to say. How are you guys doing? I genuinely want to know how everyone is handling this transition period in life. I don’t think it will ever be the same as it was, and I have hope that we all understand the importance of washing our hands, and when we can hug our loved ones again that we squeeze extra tight and take a deep breath.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.