I haven’t posted in a while, I’m not sure why. Lack of inspiration? Fear of judgement? Chaotic days that roll in to each other and no motivation to do anything more. Maybe I’m just batshit crazy and start a bunch of things never to follow through with them.
A few people have asked me if I’m still doing this, the answer is yes, I actually discovered writing is a fun creative outlet for me, yet the time and motivation does not come as easily.
It’s been a long two months, full of pee and vomit, a trip to Vegas, ending my breastfeeding journey, my work as a hairstylist has been busier than ever before, my baby started crawling and has 2 teeth, and the death of someone who has impacted my life more than he ever knew.
Opinions are annoying- but I want you to read mine.
Organizing my thoughts is sometimes a difficult task, as I am perplexed as to how I actually feel most of the time. I’m extremely indecisive when it comes to forming my own opinions, and I realized that that’s basically what blogging is- forming opinions and sharing them with the whole world wide web in text form. Opinions are like assholes, and yes, we all have them, and most of them stink.
There are days I feel like I’ve really got it going on- like yesterday. I joined the IPSY makeup subscription and received my first glam bag, full of fun new makeup that I most likely would not have purchased myself. As I was getting ready for work, I used each of the 5 things they sent me. As I finished my makeup I realized I hadn’t put a whole face on in quite sometime- and I felt pretty. I even busted out my giant hoop earrings because I just DGAF.
Kevin noticed me coming out of the bathroom, looking all fly and shizz and mentioned how I must be feeling myself because I had makeup on and my fancy unnecessarily large hoops in.
These are going to be referred to as “the pee days”
I feel like the past 2 months have dragged on, and I’ve just been barely getting by. My laundry mountain has peaked several times, I’ve been in this disgusting cycle of cleaning piss, shit, vomit, more piss, cracked raw eggs on my carpet (4 times!), more piss, more shit, more fucking vomit. These days are hard, and I’m just going to refer to them as the “pee days.” I know this is just a “season,” it won’t always be this hard, or smell this bad, and I won’t always second guess every decision I make regarding my discipline style, or lack there of.
I clean just to have to clean again. I scrub the bathroom floor just to have my kid miss the toilet and have to do it over again. I say no milk in the car just to give my kid milk in the car and him pour it all over the window. I’m fighting a constant battle that I feel I’m slowly losing.
My 2 year old discovered a new hobby- throwing raw eggs on the carpet. That was fun. He did it 4 times in 1 week. Then when he was in time out he would stare me in the eyes while peeing on the time out rug. Super fun. I’m guessing he is an alpha, confident in his behavior, basically fearless, and trying to figure out his place in the world. But it also causes me extreme frustration. I’m not gonna “beat that ass” because I’m just not fucking going to, and I don’t think it’s beneficial. I don’t want my kid to be afraid of me- I am his mom and his protector, here to nurture and love and guide him through life. I feel like I’m constantly searching for a discipline method that works for us, and respects our values. I will say we have not had an egg-cident (see what I did there) in a week and a half so that’s good.
We have started doing this funny thing while my kids are whining about how they like Cinnamon Toast Crunch better than the generic Aldi version where I yell back “Gabagoool” or “Shmargendardon” or some other random nonsense. My fiance and I think this is funny and it provides comic relief to the ridiculous complaining and screaming.
This parenting thing is hard, this relationship thing is hard, this friendship thing is hard. All of this adulting that we do is really fucking hard. I know everyone is out here, trying their best, all of us just became grown ups one day. I can’t believe I wanted to grow up so bad, and now my 7 year old is constantly telling me how he wants to be a grown-up and I’m so sad for him. He has no clue the freedom he has being a child. To him it feels like he has none- can’t walk to the park alone, can’t watch tv all night, can’t have a cell phone. I remember those days, and the absolute terror that I was to my parents, and I reflect on that trying to develop my own parenting strategies.
Being a mom in todays technologically advanced world, scared my kid is gonna get abducted, hit by a car or bullied is tough. I want my kids to enjoy childhood and actually enjoy being a child. When I was 13 I wanted nothing more than to be an adult, I wanted to do things grown ups did, and I did just that, I started acting like a grown-up, without all of the responsibility that adults actually had.
I’m now 27 and have 3 kids, I’m forever engaged to someone I love so dearly, but am constantly complaining to him because I’m not where I wanna be in life. I want to plan a wedding but it seems too hard. I want to buy a house, our house is small and we rent and it’s frustrating to feel so close to buying, but so fucking far away– we’re almost financially ready, we have built our credit over the last 3 years, we’re adulting in a lot of adultish areas, and trying to make decisions that benefit our family. I work on the east side and my family is here, he works on the west side and his family is there. The school districts in the middle either suck, or the area is too expensive for us currently. These stressors are something I didn’t even know about until I got to this stage of life.
I imagine that’s how the rest of my adulthood is going to go- not knowing how hard it is until we get there.
How do you make time for your relationship when your partner works 80 hours a week, and your kids pee everywhere, and you’re wiping butts all day long, and then when he gets home- dinner was 4 hours ago and the kids have been screaming all day and you didn’t even change out of your pajamas? Asking for a friend.
Really though, I am asking for myself, because this shit is hard, and the last couple months have been challenging in just about every area of my life. I want to take me time, I want to take time to care for myself- ya know, shower, laundry, quiet time for reflection. I know, these struggles are super tiny in the eyes of big problems- war, death, family tragedies, but in the moment when we are experiencing it- they feel big, and that’s why I am sharing. Mostly because I don’t talk to a lot of people, I am introverted to the extreme and don’t feel comfortable reaching out most days, I typically go at it alone because it’s what I’ve always been comfortable with.
My fiances best friend passed away unexpectedly a couple weeks ago- it was devastating. This man was charismatic and charming, and loved his friends so much. He was there for my fiance when he needed it most, and left an impact on the way he carried himself, and for that I am so, so grateful. When he died, I have never ever seen my fiance so sad, he was heartbroken and I didn’t know how to comfort him. I’ve never lost a close friend, I can’t pretend I know how it feels. A few of my friends reached out to me, and I am so thankful- they care about my family, and they care about me.
It is pretty obvious to me that my fiances friends care about him- his phone is always ringing, group texts, whatever. He’s had a lot of the same friends for over 10 years, he’s social and charming and really intelligent. He’s good at being a friend. He cares and is always willing to help people when they need it. It’s part of the reason I was so attracted to him. To witness him grieving is heartbreaking. I know it hurts. I know he has so much on his plate, and to top it all off he deals with me and my irrational outbursts or crying, screaming and being a nutcase.
I don’t want to be the way that I am, I joke with him that if he thinks I’m annoying, he should just be happy he’s not stuck in my head. But it’s really not a joke, there’s so much crap I filter through, unsure of what to say, what to do, how to feel, how to act- I get it all jumbled up and sometimes melt down. I think that’s what I noticed when I was actively writing- it took a bit of that away.
I’m gonna keep blogging, sometimes about dumb stuff like how I save money, because I get really excited about saving a few bucks on things I was already planning on buying ( I am my fathers daughter,) or thrifting (I am my mothers daughter) and maybe more “dear diary” posts like this one- because it feels good to get my thoughts out, and put them somewhere.
I’m gonna continue this adult journey with as much patience as I can possibly muster up. It’s not coming easy, and a lot of days I feel like I am failing. I don’t want to live life by “just getting by,” I want the things I do to serve a purpose, and produce positive results, I don’t want to second guess every fucking thing I do because of fear. I don’t want to constantly yell at my kids because they’re just being kids. I want to share love and live with passion. I want to be grateful, and be subconsciously aware that these are the “good old days” and while they’re hard (and covered in piss) they’re also really sweet and my kids are the cutest and they are loved so, so much.
So I guess I’ll just keep climbing Mt. Laundrypile and buying vinegar in bulk to keep funk at bay. I’ll do my best to remain calm, and continue to hug my kids and smell their hair. I’ll let my partner know I love him and appreciate him, even when he leaves dirty socks on the floor. I’ll make a point to get my kids outside each day as the weather is warming up, and I’ll continue schooling them in hide-and-seek. I’m gonna let my friends and family know I love them, because we really never know what the future holds- and what the fuck is actually holding me back from expressing appreciation to those that are always there no matter what?
There is hope in the Spring
The sunset gets prettier, the air feels better, and gratitude seems easier to come by. I will do my best to live in this mindset more often. Things aren’t as bad as they feel, and I truly believe there is always hope.
And as always, I’m gonna continue being weird and unapologetically me– for there is no one else I’d rather be. (except maybe Beyonce before she married Jay-Z.)
What’s been up with you dudes?
Do you have any tips on adulting that I can benefit from? Or any tips how to get raw egg or vomit stains out of carpet? Or how about keeping giant carpenter ants out of your house?
Seriously, leave me a comment and share with me your best adulting advice!